Sort of like a Twitter, but I refuse to use that site so here are what my Tweets might look like. I don't know actually, I've never really used Twitter so I don't know what it's like but it seems terrible. I use my Strava as my "microblogging" platform. You can find a more up to date list there.

I originally started doing this because I wanted it to "cost" something for me to post my stupid opinions on the internet or to interact with a "social media" at all. Working out seemed like a good barrier to entry.

  1. He tried to use "retail therapy" as an excuse to get his doctor to write him a prescription so he could use his HSA to buy shit on Amazon. Jan 16, 2021, 6:17:29 PM
  2. Ever since the coffee shop outside my apartment started selling weed, there's been a huge line of junkies right outside my window every day. GO AWAY JUNKIES Jan 16, 2021, 7:49:08 PM
  3. It pains my heart for all the kids in school right now with no hope for a snow day this year. Jan 14, 2021, 2:21:20 PM
  4. She's an iron fist with a velvet glove. Dec 29, 2020, 3:15:54 PM
  5. Even though it's a spring, you still can't drink from it, you have to filter the water first. Dec 28, 2020, 3:51:14 PM
  6. Dreamt that people voted with stamps shaped like hammers made out of chicken nuggets Dec 27, 2020, 5:21:28 PM
  7. Esquisse de coup de poing de figure et rentree dans l'estomac a coups de guidon Dec 24, 2020, 9:31:34 PM
  8. I lost my water bottle and had to retrace my steps to go find it. Dec 25, 2020, 2:19:20 PM
  9. He watches silent films and radio dramas at the same time to save time. Dec 14, 2020, 3:37:49 PM
  10. Oh no Dec 11, 2020, 1:19:51 PM
  11. If they had let me wear earbuds during cross country races back then I probably could have decimated. Dec 10, 2020, 9:57:58 PM
  12. Bread Company Dec 10, 2020, 4:21:03 PM
  13. Eye drops that temporarily stain your eyeballs to make them sunglasses. Dec 10, 2020, 3:58:42 PM
  14. Who beeped at me at Roscoe and Greenview? Did you want to fight or just say hi? Dec 9, 2020, 1:00:14 PM
  15. Here at Company™, our ducks are fully aligned within a ±0.01% tolerance, ISO 900 certified, and ITAR compliant. Dec 8, 2020, 2:10:04 PM
  16. Artificial calamari isn't fake meat, it's real meat, it's just a different meat. Artificial calamari is hog rectum. Dec 8, 2020, 1:45:58 PM
  17. Have you ever thought about how rapidly technology is advancing but how you have nothing to do with it? It's a very smart sub group of people that are pretty much carrying the entire human population. Some Brain just discovered how to fit even *more* tran transistors on a chip while I'm doing fuck all to advance the species just sitting here trying to think of funny Twitter posts. Dec 6, 2020, 5:52:14 PM
  18. My goal is to learn just enough about every sub-culture so I can infiltrate anywhere. Emo nite? Country music festival? Sci-fi convention? The Top Secret briefing room at the Pentagon? I'm in. Dec 6, 2020, 4:17:46 PM
  19. Would you rather be a well-to-do Rockefeller in the 1920s or just a regular ass guy in 2016? Dec 4, 2020, 3:31:39 PM
  20. Speed demon fast fast fast way 2 fast Dec 3, 2020, 6:48:49 PM
  21. The early bird gets the worm, but owls are birds and they’re night owls so they don’t get worms. They get voles Dec 3, 2020, 6:22:40 PM
  22. Can I sign up for renters' insurance *while* my apartment is on fire and still be covered? Dec 2, 2020, 4:40:16 PM
  23. I needed to use an old packet of pot roast seasoning that I've been hoarding so I bought beef for the first time in like eight months. It was so freaking delicious that I don't even feel bad about killing that cow. I'm glad it's dead. Dec 2, 2020, 3:13:23 PM
  24. Gymnopédie No. 1 is great but it pisses me off every time I hear it come on my [music streaming service] radio because of how overplayed it is. I can't go 5 freakin minutes without some piano/acoustic version of that song. Nov 18, 2020, 2:29:41 PM
  25. I used to think that buying clothes was a scam until I got a sewing machine and realized that tailoring is freaking HARD. It's hard to compete with those Chinese sweatshop kids. Nov 13, 2020, 12:25:30 AM
  26. I'm always slightly relieved when I lose ebay auctions so I don't have to spend money. Nov 12, 2020, 1:44:29 PM
  27. Afternoon Run Nov 11, 2020, 9:41:16 PM
  28. The answer to any question in economics class is supply and demand. Nov 10, 2020, 8:47:26 PM
  29. My jewel got rid of the arrows on the floor and now I don’t know how to walk in the grocery store. Oct 30, 2020, 1:12:35 PM
  30. A microwave oven that counts up instead of down. Oct 28, 2020, 12:51:20 PM
  31. When you’re a kid you cry because the world is unfair and you don’t understand it. You cry when you’re old because the world is unfair and you do understand it. Oct 27, 2020, 12:43:07 PM
  32. Write your eulogies before the person dies. Oct 24, 2020, 12:38:28 PM
  33. I am the center of my universe and the assumption of my immortality is the only way I can make decisions. Oct 23, 2020, 12:33:44 PM
  34. Lunch Ride Oct 21, 2020, 4:43:04 PM
  35. Strava Oct 21, 2020, 5:16:12 PM
  36. Listen Jimmy P Chase, "Chase corporate challenge" is a dumb name, it's called the Chase race. My consulting fee is $1,000 payable to me, thanks Oct 20, 2020, 1:16:37 PM
  37. I’m finally getting around to using last Christmas’ [coffee chain] gift card I got. I walk in right at opening at 6AM and the barista looked so pissed at me that I would have the gall to waltz in and make her get off her phone to pour brew. I deserve it. Oct 19, 2020, 3:39:33 PM
  38. Twins have a higher likelihood of being put up for adoption because one of them is always unplanned. Twins are more likely to be separated at birth. Oct 19, 2020, 12:29:54 PM
  39. I was in Whole Foods looking for something to feed to the ducks. $15.99 for almonds?! Sorry ducks, you're gonna have to figure out dinner on your own. Oct 17, 2020, 1:09:53 PM
  40. I wonder if any of the spoons I've bought at Goodwill have been used to smoke crack. Oct 14, 2020, 8:34:32 PM
  41. When you find invasive Asiatic clams, don't just kill them, interview them and determine the location of their families and wipe out their whole village with a 1.2 megaton B83 nuclear warhead Oct 14, 2020, 5:31:33 PM
  42. Every year for Christmas we give the family member on the right a check for $50. Everyone gets a gift, no one spends any money, and the US GDP rises by that many dollars. Oct 14, 2020, 12:20:16 PM
  43. Weird Mike's used padded shorts boutique and discount taint massage Oct 11, 2020, 4:31:22 PM
  44. Someone somewhere has had phone sex in a phone booth. And also regular sex. Oct 9, 2020, 9:56:23 PM
  45. How are you going to call yourself Fireplace Inn if you don't have a fireplace? Smh Old Town is the worst neighborhood that I'd still want to live in. Oct 9, 2020, 12:22:58 PM
  46. Lunch Activity Oct 7, 2020, 5:38:17 PM
  47. Race riot Oct 6, 2020, 10:29:18 PM
  48. It'd be cool to join a country club not for the golf or socializing with the rich, I just want to hang out with your grandpa. Oct 6, 2020, 12:33:44 PM
  49. Bubble buddy killed a guy Oct 5, 2020, 11:37:55 PM
  50. Morning Run Oct 5, 2020, 1:24:27 PM
  51. Guy goes on date with girl who uses the dog filter in all her photos but it turns out she actually has dog ears and a huge tongue in real life. Oct 5, 2020, 12:08:30 PM
  52. Salami Olive and Cream Cheese Wrap Ingredients: - Large Tortilla wrap - 2 tbsp chive and onion flavored cream cheese - 8 thin salami slices - 2 tbsp black olives chopped - 1/4 cup baby spinach leaves Instructions: Arrange all that shit on a tortilla Oct 4, 2020, 6:06:32 PM
  53. Hangover half marathon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oct 3, 2020, 12:21:50 PM
  54. Halloween Hallway is back and they're all sold out of plague doctor costumes. Oct 2, 2020, 11:49:17 AM
  55. Afternoon Ride Oct 1, 2020, 9:47:53 PM
  56. At any moment there could be a gamma ray burst in our galaxy powerful enough to punch right through the atmosphere, destroy the ozone layer, and bathe one half of the earth with intense radiation killing everything. The other half of the earth would be fi fine until the earth rotates then that side would die too. But it gives enough time for some people to enter their bunkers which would protect them from the radiation, but most would die. And even the people in the bunker are stuck in their bunkers forever. Since the burst travels at c, we wouldn't even know it's coming. Oct 1, 2020, 12:13:27 PM
  57. a prank cook book with recipes that sound believable but result in terrible food. Sep 30, 2020, 5:20:39 PM
  58. Business idea: retirement community for millenial yuppies. It'd be like that gated community of Squidwards from SpongeBob, but with exclusively organic food stores where employees wear street clothes and there's an ampersand in the name, high membership fee gyms with nondescript names like "CRUNCH Factor", a country club for disc golf and ultimate frisbee, bars with overpriced drinks and they're all rooftop bars with string lights, and everyone still works for some reason. Sep 28, 2020, 1:04:07 PM
  59. I cooked dinner for my brother and he said, "My lips are burning, it's too spicy what did you put in this?!" "Salt and pepper." And I thought this kid was Mexican smh Sep 27, 2020, 1:52:12 PM
  60. Retrospecting on how my aunt used to get up at the ass crack of dawn to drive my cousin around the neighborhood to deliver the paper so he could make a few dimes to spend on himself. What a selfless woman. Sep 27, 2020, 11:01:35 AM
  61. I ordered a delivery boy but after he left I still had my liver. What gives? Sep 23, 2020, 5:35:11 PM
  62. I saw a kettle bell bike locked to a bench in the park. Old Town people. Sep 23, 2020, 12:46:11 PM
  63. Nihilism isn't a good philosophy for living well and it's up to us to make our own meaning for life. "Leaving a legacy" is ego-centric, ultimately futile, and cowardice of death in manifest. It's important to try to be a good person, have meaningful relat relationships, and be a steward of our communities locally and globally. Sep 22, 2020, 12:56:33 PM
  64. Those desk lamps that simulate daylight to help you with stress stress me out even more. The awareness of using a fake sun lamp to make you less sad just seems so futile. Imagine your happiness and well-being dependent on a freakin lamp. Sep 21, 2020, 1:21:26 PM
  65. Do dogs get sad if they're only allowed to poop in one spot? Sep 21, 2020, 12:05:52 PM
  66. You cannot have brunch past 11AM. Then it's just lunch. Fight me Sep 20, 2020, 1:19:24 PM
  67. If you have to explain the joke afterward, then it isn't funny. But what if the joke is complex? Solution: Explain the joke first, *then* tell the joke. Sep 19, 2020, 2:30:42 PM
  68. My SQL query takes 20+ minutes to run on 1/20th of my dataset. Does that mean I'm doing big data or am I just a bad programmer? Sep 19, 2020, 1:42:39 PM
  69. I drink my coffee through a straw because listening to your dentist is a very sensible adult thing to do, but it's a silly straw so I maintain some semblance of my youthful immaturity. Sep 16, 2020, 7:02:26 PM
  70. Emergency room people and EMTs are the only selfless medical professionals in the US. Everyone else is after my insurance company's money. Sep 16, 2020, 5:19:09 PM
  71. How do I know if I'm brainwashed? Sep 9, 2020, 12:31:33 PM
  72. My kindergarten teacher was an old Santa Claus type man. I'm only now retrospecting how rare that is. Neat Sep 9, 2020, 11:31:33 AM
  73. When I was a wee little melon, I had a robot coin bank that had the year on the time display. Every new years eve I would look forward to watching the year change because it was such a rare thing to get to see. Sep 7, 2020, 4:04:40 PM
  74. SpongeBob characters and their respective human name equivalents: SpongeBob SquarePants, FleshBob TubePants; Squidward Tentacles, HumanEdward Appendages; Patrick Star, Patrick Humanoid; Eugene Krabs, Eugene Humans; Plankton, Human; Sandy Cheeks, Sandy Lar LargeBrains. Sep 7, 2020, 2:20:59 PM
  75. When I was a young boy I used to watch the TV news in the morning before school and I would get upset when I heard the same news on the radio in the car. I thought they should get their own news. New, original news Sep 2, 2020, 6:28:33 PM
  76. No thanks Mr. water slide attendant, I'll go whenever I want ya dweeb. Sep 2, 2020, 4:35:33 PM
  77. It was very hot and very sunny during my run, thankfully I happened upon an unattended sprinkler which I took a drink from. I now know what a gazelle feels when they find water out in the spaghetti. Sep 1, 2020, 4:46:12 PM
  78. TV show idea: Political drama with the same tone as House of Cards about a high school class presidency. Scandals include: wearing THOSE shoes with THAT top, getting caught selling dad's weed to underclassmen, having diarrhea. Voter appeal is measured in "vibes" and class debates include a stand up comedy portion. Aug 28, 2020, 1:18:23 PM
  79. Here's a fun game you can play at the grocery store: grocery shop like normal, but you have to sneak all your items out of other people's carts. Aug 28, 2020, 12:24:17 PM
  80. Every time I leave my house I over think if I have my key to the point where I'll physically touch my key and say to myself, is this my key? Do I really have my key? What if I somehow have a replica that looks like my key but isn't? Is this key real? Is anything real? Do we live in a simulated reality? No. Okay, I can leave now Aug 27, 2020, 1:34:05 PM
  81. There was a BOGO sale through [food delivery app] so I ordered two [food] and I swear, TWELVE minutes later the guy is at my door. I don't understand the microeconomics of this. How is it possible that I can I get 2,210 delicious custom ordered calories d calories delivered directly to my mouth faster and cheaper than I can make myself in my own damn house? Aug 26, 2020, 4:42:50 PM
  82. Make sure to always leave an M&M or two in the M&M dispenser the next guy. Aug 26, 2020, 1:19:36 PM
  83. Are there any sports with more waiting than bowling? Aug 26, 2020, 12:20:13 PM
  84. Composers, musicians, and conductors all agree that the unspoken rule about not clapping in between movements is dumb. It's an elitist barrier to entry to the orchestra. I wish Riccardo would make an announcement at the beginning of a concert encouraging people to go wild in between movements. Aug 25, 2020, 11:55:49 AM
  85. Evening Run Aug 22, 2020, 1:30:50 AM
  86. Evening Ride Aug 22, 2020, 1:20:22 AM
  87. I hate it how when I go shopping for snail costumes on Amazon and they're all for little kids. Aug 20, 2020, 1:46:10 PM
  88. Fun fact: the ABCs song predates the alphabet. That's why the alphabet is in the order it is today. Aug 20, 2020, 12:57:27 PM
  89. The writer who came up with the idea for human centipede must have been pretty brave. The idea is pretty fucked even for a panel whose sole purpose is to come up with horrific ideas. Aug 19, 2020, 5:36:16 PM
  90. A moth got in my house so I vacuumed him up and watched him enter the transparent dust bin. Imagine you're chilling out on a wall and then suddenly you're sucked into a loud dusty tube to another dimension where it's all tornadoes all the time. Poor guy, what a violent way to go. Aug 19, 2020, 4:31:29 PM
  91. I'm excited to be as old and no-nonsense as Larry David someday so I can make friends and enemies (maybe they'd even be the same person) left and right. Aug 18, 2020, 1:50:50 PM
  92. I went to the coffee shop right at opening other morning and the barista asked me how my day was going so far. I said fine, but I thought, "It's flatterirg you think I've accomplished anything more than just getting here today." Aug 18, 2020, 12:58:45 PM
  93. When I was a young boy I'd always get upset when poems didn't rhyme, but then I learned that it's okay not to rhyme and I was fine with it. Now that I'm a crotchety old man I am back to being upset when poems don't rhyme. Aug 15, 2020, 11:36:30 AM
  94. Battery died Aug 12, 2020, 8:01:14 PM
  95. When I was younger I thought that if you watched a dog poop you would get pink eye. Aug 12, 2020, 6:09:46 PM
  96. Imagine being a jellyfish. Floating though life never having any thoughts and just hoping food wanders into your mouth. Sounds so stress free Aug 11, 2020, 1:57:01 PM
  97. Do dead people get buried in their suits? What if the dead person wears a suit at their wake and then later gets cremated? How many suits at Goodwill were worn by dead people? Seems like a waste to bury all these nice suits. Aug 11, 2020, 12:52:27 PM
  98. The other day I learned that there is a whole market of packaging and shipping antique bricks from torn down buildings specifically from Chicago to be repurposed for reclaimed brick homes around the country. Aug 9, 2020, 6:29:46 PM
  99. I saw some guy on a regular-ass, non battery powered long board the other day and thought, "good for you". Aug 9, 2020, 5:33:19 PM
  100. I used to have a boss whose favorite phrase about anything was "nine times out of ten". I commend his diligent record-keeping. Aug 9, 2020, 12:25:42 AM
  101. I heard Riccardo Muti speak for the first time the other day— of course he has a silly, fancy Italian accent. Someday I'd like to see some sloppy old fat guy in a wifebeater conduct the CSO. The people's orchestra. Aug 8, 2020, 1:40:53 AM
  102. When's the last time you ate just a raw, regular slice a bread with nothing on it? Ever? I don't think I've ever done that. Aug 6, 2020, 5:31:56 PM
  103. Motivational advice from celebrities doesn't count. Except for Marcus Aurelius. Aug 6, 2020, 4:32:59 PM
  104. I should just start waiting until TV shows are cancelled before I start them. I forgot everything that happened in S1-S5 of Bojack. Aug 5, 2020, 2:42:52 PM
  105. Always bet on every horse— that way you never lose. Aug 5, 2020, 2:23:13 PM
  106. I died in 2013 and everything since then has just been complicated muscle spasms like when you cut the head off a chicken. Jul 23, 2020, 12:40:11 PM
  107. It's ironic that unemployment offices are currently having to institute "mandatory overtime" to keep up with demand. Jul 22, 2020, 3:53:22 PM
  108. I cannot resist looking inside people's street level and garden apartments while passing down the street, but it always feels awkward when I make eye contact so I try to avoid it. Now that I live in a street level apartment, I think it's funny when people Jul 18, 2020, 2:55:09 PM
  109. Being a cook would be the most torturous job for me. Endless cooking and I don't even get to eat it. Jul 17, 2020, 3:41:59 PM
  110. Very disappointed in these Tweetter hackers. They could have been way more destructive/funny but they squander the opportunity on a half baked Bitcoin scam and only got $100,000 out of it. Que decepcionante Jul 17, 2020, 2:24:06 PM
  111. I feel like a child when I eat spaghetti. But linguine, that's for sophisticated adults. Jul 16, 2020, 3:08:44 PM
  112. It's incredible l'm not Chinese, the odds of that are pretty low. Jul 15, 2020, 12:19:01 PM
  113. Feeding lettuce to a venus fly trap is sinful. Jul 15, 2020, 11:58:06 AM
  114. Garden Fresh sells a dozen or so chicken legs for $3.84. Like what the heck, I know factory farms are efficient, but that is horrifying, ruthless efficiency. Can't wait for the lab grown stuff. Jul 14, 2020, 12:29:05 PM
  115. Does Jim Carrey know what he looks like while making silly faces? How does he know if he's doing it right? Jul 3, 2020, 8:08:07 PM
  116. To all the skim milk haterz, who cares if you say it tastes like water, I love water. I'm 70% water. My two favorite drinks are milk, water, and the refreshing fizzy taste of Royal Crown© RC© Cola©©— it's The Season's Best™! Jul 3, 2020, 10:18:57 AM
  117. It must be stress inducing to get a mosquito bite in the Congo. You never know if it'll be the one that'll do you in. Where I live, they're just annoying and itchy. Jul 1, 2020, 12:17:00 PM
  118. The world record for the longest pee is eight and a half minutes. Jun 26, 2020, 12:39:07 PM
  119. 1950s cartoon humor is lost on kids these days. I showed my brother the scene where Marvin the Martian fires his disintegration laser pistol, but then the gun itself disintegrates, but he didn't think it was funny. Jun 22, 2020, 11:16:09 AM
  120. There are no rats in Alberta. Jun 21, 2020, 9:55:49 AM
  121. Will stained clothing will ever become in vogue like how ripped clothing did? Jun 19, 2020, 12:28:16 PM
  122. One time I went to Catholic mass just to see what it was like and during the greet your neighbor part, someone said "May peace be with you". but I didn't know the customary response, so I said: "Thanks, you too" She looked confused. Jun 19, 2020, 12:04:30 PM
  123. I hate seeing other runners who look less tired than I am. Jun 18, 2020, 11:56:29 AM
  124. Contemporary films set in the ancient past intentionally limit character's makeup options for color and style because anything too complex would appear... anachronistic to the layman viewer even though such makeup designs were either actually used in those periods or could have been. Jun 18, 2020, 10:40:12 AM
  125. Whenever I wear kitchen gloves I think about the time the dad from full house was washing his hands while wearing his kitchen gloves because he wanted to wash his gloves. Jun 17, 2020, 4:49:50 PM
  126. I saw a hopscotch path that had 137 squares Jun 17, 2020, 3:20:54 PM
  127. Every year since I turned 17, I thought to myself, "I'm an adult and there's no more maturation for me. This is it." But then every year after that I've realized that my personality, values, and interests have changed since the year before and it turns out I wasn't done maturing. But now that I'm 26, I feel like I've been the same person for the past few years. Maybe the period just gets longer and in a couple years I'll change again. Is that because my brain is still developing, or is it just because people change over time? Jun 15, 2020, 11:52:15 PM
  128. Loose Divvy bells that ring whenever I hit a bump make me self conscious about seeming like an overzealous cyclist. Jun 15, 2020, 10:15:34 PM
  129. Free roaming like an old-school cell phone Jun 15, 2020, 2:15:44 PM
  130. Octopusses have eight tentacles, unipusses have one tentacle, nullipusses have zero tentacles, sour pusses are bad losers. Don't even think about telling me it's octopi instead of octopusses Jun 15, 2020, 12:40:55 PM
  131. Only 3% of bird species have penises. This information is now inside your brain and you can't un-know it. Jun 13, 2020, 2:47:53 PM
  132. Alaska has the highest suicide rate of any state (except Montana apparently?) and the suicide rate gets higher the farther north you go. Some believe that it's because of the perpetual darkness. Jun 13, 2020, 12:41:55 PM
  133. There's probably a lot of really good blues and rap music made in prisons that will never get big and we'll never get to hear. Jun 13, 2020, 12:32:12 PM
  134. The placebo effect is the most reliable effect in all of pharmacology. Jun 11, 2020, 12:56:09 PM
  135. Puffed chocolate cereals are like eating the foam from a milk shake. Cocoa Pebbles™ 4 life. Jun 11, 2020, 12:34:05 PM
  136. I had a dream the other night that I rented a truck but I woke up before I could return it to the rental depot. This morning I had another dream that I returned the truck. Didn't even have to pay late fees! Jun 10, 2020, 11:47:42 AM
  137. Phantom mosquitos are just as bad as real ones Jun 10, 2020, 11:15:40 AM
  138. All I want for Christmas is a M18A1 Claymore directional anti-personnel land mine Jun 8, 2020, 9:27:25 PM
  139. Since spending more time at home, I've started becoming familiar with the garbage pickup schedule near my apartment. I've determined that there is no schedule and they just come all the fucking time, especially when I'm trying to be peaceful. Jun 7, 2020, 6:58:51 PM
  140. When you were a kid it was a joy to have the Crayola 64 crayon pack, but I remember that I typically only used the primary and secondary colors. Humans are overwhelmed at the abundance of choice. This is why ALDI is my favorite grocery store. Also the white crayon is the most useless crayon. Jun 7, 2020, 6:10:32 PM
  141. Dial up Internet is the vinyl of Internet In the same manner of sitting down to experience an album on vinyl in one contiguous session, you sit down to experience the Internet when you use dial up. Jun 7, 2020, 4:18:03 PM
  142. in star trek they don't use soap, they use ultrasonic showers that vibrate the filth off ur butt and i think thats beautiful Jun 7, 2020, 2:37:11 PM
  143. I've seen more sculptures made out of crayons and that melty rainbow crayon thing more than I've seen actual drawings drawn with crayons the way they're intended to be used. Jun 6, 2020, 6:00:56 PM
  144. One of the running jokes in my life is how much I'd like to make miso ramen someday, but even though it is a relatively low barrier to entry goal in life, it's somehow eluded me for at least half a decade. Could 2020 be the year? (probably not) Jun 6, 2020, 4:51:34 PM
  145. In addition to grandfather, there's also grandmother & granddaughter clocks, size being the only difference. But why should it end there? My wrist watch will henceforth be known as my infant son clock. The quartz crystal in my computer is a zygote clock. Jun 5, 2020, 12:07:30 PM
  146. If you cook dough, you get bread. Cook it again and you get toast. But don't get greedy and try cooking a third time... The blood... Oh God, the blood Jun 5, 2020, 11:35:13 AM
  147. I'm a computer. Stop all the downloading! Jun 4, 2020, 12:45:13 PM
  148. Contentment and self-loathing Jun 4, 2020, 11:38:36 AM
  149. When did it become common to give dogs people names and babies dog names like "Oggy"? Jun 4, 2020, 12:26:42 AM
  150. Imagine being a billionaire and never knowing if anyone *actually* likes you. Jun 3, 2020, 11:24:34 PM
  151. I wonder if Lori and I have ever sat on the same Divvy May 31, 2020, 6:43:30 PM
  152. Cobb salad contains corn but no corn cob. Cobb salad with no cob. Corn on the cob cobb salad. Cobb May 31, 2020, 6:10:25 PM
  153. How the heck are there so many framing stores, pet groomers, and astrologists/psychic shops? They're all so close to each other and they have such good real estate. Is the backbone of our economy actually framed photos, handsome pets, and pseudoscience? May 24, 2020, 1:16:55 PM
  154. A cartoon about an insect named Bunns Buggy May 24, 2020, 12:21:58 PM
  155. A bunch of girls saw me eat shit while trying to do wheelies on my Divvy™ today. So embarrassing May 23, 2020, 4:35:58 PM
  156. Eat right, exercise, be sociable, save money, fear death. May 23, 2020, 3:38:54 PM
  157. I ripped two different pairs of pants this week becuz butt 2 big. :( May 22, 2020, 8:29:29 PM
  158. You will be my little jungle cat, a fierce beast that I shall domesticate with my various ointments. May 21, 2020, 6:58:57 PM
  159. Lunch Run May 21, 2020, 5:54:28 PM
  160. There once was a lass named Sapphire; Who succumbed to her lover's desire; She said it's a sin, but now that it's in, could you shove it a few inches higher? May 21, 2020, 5:59:52 PM
  161. "Grandpa Edison, what was it like living during the Winnie the flu virus when you were younger?" .... "How do you know my name? Where are your parents? How did you get in my house?" May 19, 2020, 8:59:33 PM
  162. I should probably have one of my kidneys removed and put on ice for safekeeping just in case something should happen to me someday and I need a kidney. May 19, 2020, 8:24:01 PM
  163. Every time I make a super long Strava activity title, l'm certain there is no way that it's going to let me use a title that long, but I'm wrong every time. So what's the limit? It is 255 characters. Which also happens to be the exact length of this title May 18, 2020, 6:43:55 PM
  164. In grade school science class we took a test where we had to circle the animals that were endangered. I hadn't studied, so I had to guess. On the bus ride back home, I prayed that elephants were endangered because that's what I circled. This ride was much longer but my GPS stopped recording. May 16, 2020, 8:21:14 PM
  165. Beef stew is meat cereal. May 16, 2020, 6:28:05 PM
  166. It only costs $5.2 million for 30 seconds of Superbowl commercial time. The super rich could afford to buy every commercial spot during the Superbowl for just $220 million and still have a filthy amount of money left over. May 15, 2020, 5:04:52 PM
  167. Milk was invented by Nabisco as a marketing scheme to sell more Oreos. May 15, 2020, 4:37:15 PM
  168. In a world ruled by chaos, any pursuit of order is inherently doomed. Nothing means nothing, let's party! May 14, 2020, 12:28:07 AM
  169. One method of communication across prison cells is through the toilet pipes. Prisoners use their butt cheeks as a diaphragm to clear the water from the pipes and then shout into the toilet. No joke May 13, 2020, 6:27:21 PM
  170. I always queue up an 11 hour podcast playlist before I go out running just in case I decide to run a couple impromptu marathons. May 13, 2020, 5:29:05 PM
  171. I like going for a run and then riding a Divvy back home but I worry this is unsustainable because my local Divvy station will get filled up with all my Divvies May 12, 2020, 3:51:48 PM
  172. I'm mad that I can't hear higher frequencies anymore because it makes me feel old but I'm also mad that I'm mad about not being able to hear higher frequencies because that makes me feel even older. May 12, 2020, 3:08:57 PM
  173. Plants need some wind to "exercise" their "muscles" so they don't fall over May 9, 2020, 7:45:31 PM
  174. Water towers are wells for birds May 9, 2020, 7:18:10 PM
  175. Big Tony's Tattoo Museum and Discount Delicatessen May 6, 2020, 6:04:03 PM
  176. Bandanas are back in style, wild west outlaws are rolling in their graves May 6, 2020, 5:21:48 PM
  177. Buddhism isn't just yoga and smoking weed May 4, 2020, 12:21:42 PM
  178. "Rusty" is a silly name for a child May 3, 2020, 11:35:41 PM
  179. Birds aren't real May 3, 2020, 11:10:56 PM
  180. Evening Ride May 3, 2020, 11:04:02 PM
  181. Mountain Divvy May 3, 2020, 12:04:18 PM
  182. Lane Tech May 3, 2020, 11:33:13 AM
  183. Rodeo May 2, 2020, 1:22:21 PM
  184. Rockledge, Florida Apr 18, 2020, 11:01:41 PM
  185. Judy Garland Apr 14, 2020, 8:42:04 PM
  186. Memories of Butter Apr 10, 2020, 7:18:04 PM
  187. Mundelein mayor Steve Lentz tests positive for coronavirus Mar 24, 2020, 3:15:48 PM
  188. Shyorts Mar 5, 2020, 8:34:54 PM
  189. poop.bike Jan 25, 2020, 1:07:44 PM
  190. Big lamp post Jan 24, 2020, 1:58:45 PM
  191. Big Eau Pleine County Park Dec 14, 2019, 6:14:31 PM
  192. Conservatory of Flowers Oct 11, 2019, 9:10:25 PM
  193. Glen Canyon Oct 9, 2019, 2:58:35 PM
  194. Engineering Student Project Laboratory Oct 8, 2019, 3:57:27 PM
  195. Bjornal Heights Oct 8, 2019, 3:25:23 PM
  196. Kite Hill Aug 31, 2019, 8:52:02 PM
  197. Rosehill Cemetery Aug 31, 2019, 7:32:00 PM
  198. How to unsprain ankle? Aug 16, 2019, 11:52:13 PM
  199. Boulevard Lakefront Tour Aug 11, 2019, 12:18:44 PM
  200. Kevin, share the auto Strava tasker script Aug 5, 2019, 12:41:25 PM
  201. Fast Divvy Jul 22, 2019, 10:05:13 PM
  202. Commute #1 Jul 12, 2019, 12:42:26 PM
  203. Andersonville Apr 26, 2019, 9:21:36 PM
  204. Two dead dogs and a dead boar Feb 8, 2019, 7:49:52 PM
  205. Ocala Feb 7, 2019, 6:23:56 PM
  206. Century Sep 29, 2018, 12:15:25 PM
  207. I fixed the cable Sep 13, 2018, 7:48:56 PM
  208. Metra Headwind Sep 9, 2018, 9:50:09 PM
  209. Where are my fucking keys? Aug 11, 2018, 4:37:34 PM
  210. Shade trees Aug 4, 2018, 7:59:41 PM
  211. Jesse White Jul 16, 2018, 3:33:28 AM
  212. Zoo Party Jul 12, 2018, 8:33:53 PM
  213. LED Jul 4, 2018, 2:12:00 AM
  214. Lunch Ride Jun 30, 2018, 4:59:09 PM
  215. Morning Ride Jun 30, 2018, 2:36:22 PM
  216. Cupcake Jun 30, 2018, 2:37:14 AM
  217. Evening Ride Jun 28, 2018, 11:23:41 PM
  218. Live theatre sound design Jun 14, 2018, 2:45:07 PM
  219. KW1 Jun 4, 2018, 9:20:41 PM
  220. Rutherford B. Hayes Jun 3, 2018, 11:37:16 PM
  221. First Ascent May 9, 2018, 9:45:06 PM
  222. Lunch Ride May 5, 2018, 4:34:33 PM
  223. Walnut State Park May 6, 2018, 2:10:41 PM
  224. Grey Squirrel May 5, 2018, 4:33:56 PM
  225. I WANT TO BELIEVE Apr 23, 2018, 9:47:44 PM
  226. Earth Day Apr 22, 2018, 11:22:09 PM
  227. Morris is not my father Apr 21, 2018, 11:49:57 PM
  228. How It's Made Apr 20, 2018, 6:31:28 PM
  229. Lincoln Park Apr 19, 2018, 8:15:09 PM
  230. Submarine ducks Apr 12, 2018, 6:08:00 PM
  231. Goose Island Apr 6, 2018, 8:48:02 PM
  232. Elk Apr 5, 2018, 6:20:28 PM
  233. Oz Mar 21, 2018, 12:29:05 AM
  234. Old Town Mar 19, 2018, 9:18:54 PM
  235. Windmill Mar 18, 2018, 8:01:11 PM
  236. Wave breaker Mar 2, 2018, 9:47:15 PM
  237. Dogpatch Jan 6, 2018, 6:38:05 PM
  238. For Edison Dec 30, 2017, 11:26:31 PM
  239. Stanton Triangle Dec 29, 2017, 6:16:48 PM
  240. Jack Frost Dec 28, 2017, 10:53:51 PM
  241. M Dec 28, 2017, 3:56:03 PM
  242. Zoolights Dec 14, 2017, 1:37:50 AM
  243. I'm a bike Sep 26, 2017, 11:04:01 PM
  244. Anti kickapoo Sep 3, 2017, 7:22:24 PM
  245. Kickapoo mountain bike trail Sep 3, 2017, 4:55:59 PM
  246. Sauk Sep 2, 2017, 10:12:59 PM
  247. Remember Country Bumpkin? Aug 19, 2017, 1:28:56 PM
  248. Lord Birthday Aug 13, 2017, 9:13:22 PM
  249. DND Jul 26, 2017, 1:41:34 AM
  250. Blue Danube Jul 22, 2017, 12:02:38 AM
  251. 3/3 Jul 17, 2017, 11:25:01 PM
  252. Accents Jul 11, 2017, 1:19:40 AM
  253. Sweat Jul 10, 2017, 11:46:18 PM
  254. Milk Jul 9, 2017, 11:04:33 PM
  255. Submurged Jun 19, 2017, 10:46:55 PM
  256. No Buck Jun 13, 2017, 12:16:39 AM
  257. Sand Jun 12, 2017, 10:43:08 PM
  258. Flat tire Jun 10, 2017, 3:31:22 PM
  259. Knuckles Jun 6, 2017, 1:21:52 AM
  260. Monadnock Jun 5, 2017, 10:48:02 PM
  261. Heart Jun 2, 2017, 12:39:41 AM
  262. Volleyball Jun 1, 2017, 10:39:22 PM
  263. CRISPR May 31, 2017, 11:13:07 PM
  264. Music May 31, 2017, 1:04:19 AM
  265. Blue May 13, 2017, 3:51:56 PM
  266. Grocery May 10, 2017, 11:08:30 PM
  267. Groceries May 8, 2017, 10:31:03 PM
  268. Meadowbrook Mar 16, 2017, 7:27:46 PM
  269. ARC Mar 7, 2017, 9:28:20 PM
  270. Busey Mar 3, 2017, 10:13:08 PM
  271. Busey Feb 11, 2017, 10:52:58 PM
  272. ARC Feb 4, 2017, 7:27:14 PM
  273. Saint Mary's Dec 23, 2016, 6:53:49 PM
  274. ICE Dec 17, 2016, 9:38:11 PM
  275. ARC Dec 15, 2016, 11:35:02 PM
  276. ARC Dec 14, 2016, 1:03:03 AM
  277. Snow Dec 11, 2016, 3:30:36 AM
  278. ARC Dec 11, 2016, 2:01:55 AM
  279. Home Dec 9, 2016, 5:00:06 AM
  280. ARC Dec 9, 2016, 4:41:25 AM
  281. ARC Dec 8, 2016, 12:25:17 AM
  282. Busey Dec 7, 2016, 6:45:14 PM
  283. ARC Dec 5, 2016, 5:42:55 PM
  284. ARC Dec 2, 2016, 9:26:21 PM
  285. ARC Nov 30, 2016, 7:13:45 PM
  286. Home Nov 29, 2016, 10:10:47 PM
  287. ARC Nov 29, 2016, 8:33:02 PM
  288. Loch Lomond Nov 20, 2016, 5:00:51 PM
  289. ARC Nov 17, 2016, 6:29:21 PM
  290. ARC Nov 14, 2016, 6:01:36 PM
  291. Flamingo Nov 12, 2016, 10:07:19 PM
  292. Urbana Nov 9, 2016, 7:09:21 PM
  293. Busey Off course Oct 24, 2016, 7:25:12 PM
  294. Wind mills 2 Jun 28, 2015, 12:13:22 AM
  295. Wind Turbines Wind turbine Apr 17, 2015, 8:44:50 PM
  296. Lunch Ride Mar 12, 2015, 4:27:33 PM
  297. Clinton Lake Apr 26, 2014, 6:02:38 PM